Sookehverse: The Addiction
by Miral
Summary: What are Pam and Amelia up to now? Angst-Fluff-Lemons. Sookehverse.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris. **

—

Sookie wandered back into the living room where Amelia and Pam had their laptops set up. The two friends had been working nonstop for hours, although Sookie had no idea what they were doing. Finally she decided to ask.

"Hey, what're you two working on?"

Pam looked up at Sookie and then glanced at Amelia. Amelia's brow was slightly furrowed in thought. A silent communication passed between the two. Finally Pam nodded and, turning back to Sookie, spoke.

"Amelia and I write fanfiction."

"What?" Sookie had never heard of such a thing. "What's fanfiction?"

"You make up your own stories using an established author's characters."

"Why would you do that?" Sookie looked between her two friends. "Because you love the original book so much and you can't wait for a new one?"

Pam and Amelia exchanged another look. Finally Pam rolled her eyes. Amelia decided to field the question.

"Sookie, we're like _FAMOUS_ fanfic writers. We have tons of fans. They write us thousands of reviews—"

"Yes," Pam interrupted. "They tell us constantly how wonderful we are, how much they enjoy our writing, and they want us to never stop."

"Oh," Sookie found herself speechless. "Can I read it?"

"Certainly."

Sookie went around the card table to look at Pam's laptop. She frowned.

"Spam?"

"Yes. That is my nom de plume." Pam said.

"Amelia? You got a different name, too?"

"Yup! BadAme!"

"Oh! Hey, what else have you got open?"

"That is Twitter," Pam replied. "Our fandom is very active."

Sookie glanced at Amelia's screen.

"Someone named WriterWenchbag is upset that she doesn't have enough reviews."

Pam rolled her eyes, while Amelia nodded.

"I'll calm her down."

Amelia started typing. Sookie, fascinated, leaned over to watch.

'WW-u r brilliant! Spam & I sending revu luv, bb!"

"What's that mean?" Sookie asked.

"I'm letting her know Pam and I are going to her story and write her reviews."

"Are you going to read the story?"

"Perhaps," Pam shrugged. "It does not matter. We need not truly comment on her story. All we need say is 'You are wonderful. More please.' It will satisfy her craving."

"She's been really needy lately," observed Amelia.

"Yes, maybe we should have her win the next contest."

"Yeah, I know," agreed Amelia.

"Contest? What're you talking about?"

"We are having a contest on best story. Maybe we should have WriterWenchbag win since she is so angsty."

"What kind of contest has the winners decided in advance?"

Pam glared at Sookie.

"I do not appreciate your tone. We do it this way so that it is fair. There is never any discord or hurt feelings."

"Yeah, Sook. Someone from our group always wins and this guarantees we all get a shot."

Sookie frowned.

"What about anybody not in your group?"

"Well, if anyone's not in our group, they don't deserve to win."

"I don't understand all this. Pam, how do you have time to do all this?"

"Well, we have formulas."

"What do you mean? 'Formulas'?"

"Well," Pam answered, "I write a love story with two protagonists. Let me call them 'Eric' and 'Sookie' for simplicity. So in one story, Eric is a doctor and Sookie is a nurse. They clash at work. But really it is sexual tension. They get drunk at the holiday party. Have sex. Sookie gets pregnant. Then rather than admit the truth, she moves away to hide from Eric."

"Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea! What an idiot! It's hard raising a kid alone! Why would she do that?"

"The female protagonist must do something stupid in this fashion to cause the angst. It is not always an unplanned pregnancy. Sometimes she walks in and spies the male protagonist innocently hugging a female acquaintance."

"Then what happens?" Sookie asked.

"She moves to another state, of course." Pam responded.

"I still don't get it. Why? Why does the female protagonist have to be batshit crazy?"

"She just has to, Sook," Amelia grumbled. "It's part of the formula."

"I still don't get it, though," Sookie shook her head. "Why can't you just come up with real things for them to fight about? 50% marriages end in divorce. There's plenty of real stuff that couples break up over. Why make them break up over something stupid?"

Pam and Amelia exchanged an exasperated look. Finally Pam responded.

"It is the formula. It must be an easy fix."

"Yeah, Sook! Otherwise, we'd be thinking about this all day and we'd never get our chapters posted."

"Yes, this is how we achieve our review numbers. Our readers can only write one review per chapter."

"Yeah, so if it takes us a long time to write -uh- because we're busy thinking or something like that -we won't publish on time and we won't get our reviews."

Sookie, a puzzled look on her face, was trying to figure out her next question.

"But don't you care about the stories? What about writing? Aren't you trying to come up with original stuff? Or trying to evoke an authentic emotional response from your readers?"

"Geez, Sook!" Amelia sounded disgusted. "What planet are you from?"

"Yes, Sookie," Pam nodded. "We all have our own," Pam stopped, "well, you humans all have your own emotions. Why should I try to give you more?"

Sookie stared dumbfounded at Pam.

"Well, that's kinda what literature is all about."

Pam shrugged.

"This isn't literature, Sookie," Amelia snorted. "It's fluff and angst-"

"Do not forget lemons!" Pam injected.

"and lemons," Amelia added.

"What are lemons?"

Amelia's eyes widened. She shook her head in disbelief that her roommate did not know this already.

"Sex. Nookie. Citrus."

"Yes, lots of it." Pam added.

"Oh!"

"Oh! Yes!" Pam nodded animatedly. "We go into much detail of anatomy."

"Yeah," Amelia nodded. "It's fun thinking of new ways to describe explosive orgasms."

"Yes, it is." Pam agreed.

Biting her lip, Sookie continued to ponder what her friends had told her. "What about the other formulas? You said there were others?"

"Yes, well," Pam started to count off on her fingers. "They clash at work and there is an accidental pregnancy."

"Then there's the anonymous sex and then they wind up working together!"

"Yes," Pam agreed. "That happens a lot."

"Then there's the one where they can't be together because of their jobs," Amelia noted. "Like Eric is a teacher and Sookie is his student."

Sookie frowned.

"Hold on. Is Sookie always the student?"

"No, sometimes she is the teacher," Amelia answered.

"But then Eric will have a child at her school so they are then thwarted by parent-teacher prohibitions and are not permitted to fornicate," Pam added.

"Yeah?" Sookie turned to look at both her friends. "You know this makes no sense, right?"

Pam and Amelia just looked at each other and shrugged.

"Then there's the stories where the two protagonists are lost on a deserted island together and are left with nothing to do but fornicate."

"Deserted island? Are there seriously deserted islands left nowadays? What with resource mining and off-shore drilling?"

"Sookie, why are you looking for holes in our plots?" Amelia asked.

"'Looking for holes in your plots'?" Sookie shook her head. "You're kidding, right? I'm looking for plots in your plots! What else? Are there more?"

"Well, there's the woman is in an abusive relationship and the man saves her."

"Yeah? Really?" Sookie rolled her eyes. "She never saves herself?"

"Well, no. Where is the romance in that?" Pam asked.

"Romance? What's romantic about being stuck in an abusive relationship?"

"Sookie, you have no imagination."

"Yeah, anyway, every story always leads to a HEA with kids and a white picket fence," Amelia injected.

"Wow, always leads to kids, huh? I guess you all think I shouldn't stay with Eric since you think a couple can't have a HEA without having kids or a woman can't be complete without having a baby."

"No, Sookie! It is not about you and Eric! _These couples are nothing at all like you!_ _These couples are __all human_." Pam replied.

"Yeah, Sook," Amelia agreed. "Besides we just grabbed your name to describe it. You're taking it too personally."

Distractedly, Amelia looked back to the screen.

"Oh Pam, the link for this week's **Right Under Your Nose Pick** just came in."

"What is it?"

"It's 'An Angsty Kind of Love.' It only has 995 reviews."

"Yes, what a shame. No wonder she is craving positive affirmation."

"I spoke to the Right Under Your Nose Pick writer and my "The Angsty Bride" is going to be featured next week. It only has 985 reviews."

"This is very good, Amelia. I am happy for you my witchy friend."

"Hopefully your 'I've Written It All Before' can be the pick the next week. You only have 975 reviews."

"Yes, I know. You need not rub it in."

"You two are insane, you know that?" Sookie shook her head.

"It is the way of addiction," Pam shrugged. "We are obviously experiencing feelings of inadequacy in some aspect of our real lives. Thus we seek the immediate and constant stream of positive feedback demonstrated by reviews."

"Yeah. Don't forget we're cyber celebrities, too."

Sookie rolled her eyes.

"Good-bye," Sookie grabbed her coat from the closet. "I'm going to see my vampire boyfriend who I will never have a baby with and who I've rescued just as many times as he's rescued me."

"Oh, Sookie?" Amelia waggled her eyebrows.

"Yeah?" Sookie was positive she didn't want to hear it whatever it was.

"You think you could write us some reviews before you leave?"

"No!" She huffed. "And stop doing that with your eyebrows!"

* * *

**AN: Satire. **

**As always, thank you for reading. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Characters—except for one—belong to Charlaine Harris.**

**

* * *

**

"But Amelia, she is obviously making a mockery of our writing!" Pam, an indignant look on her face, was showing a little fang.

"I know, Pam!" Amelia nodded her head vigorously in agreement, her short brown hair bouncing in her agitation.

"I will kill her."

"No! I mean, that's a bit much, Pam. Besides we don't know where she lives."

"Yes, this is true."

"But we gotta think of something!"

"We will never review her stories!"

"Pam, that's perfect!"

"Thank you," Pam smirked. "Well, what else does she say?"

"Okay, the part about formulas—"

"So she says if it is written with a formula, it is worthless?"

"No, she actually says, '_I don't believe those plots inevitably result in a formulaic story. I think characterization, story depth, humor, dialogue, twists, etc. can distinguish an otherwise familiar plot_.'"

"Oh. But was she not talking about us?"

"No, she claims she wasn't referring to anyone specific. She says: '_I can honestly say I had no stories_—_no writers_—_ in mind when I wrote this. The formulas are pervasive__—even in other fandoms_. _I rattled off a list from the top of my head.'_"

"I can think of something I'd like to rattle off from the top of her head."

Amelia glanced up from the computer screen.

"What?"

"Her head, my witchy friend."

"Oh," Amelia nodded silently and turned back to the computer.

"So what is her problem?"

"What isn't her problem!" Amelia turned back to Pam. "She's complaining plots with unprotected sex and accidental pregnancies leading to HEAs are not only '_ridiculous'_ but are also '_irresponsible_.'"

Pam rolled her eyes.

"She must be very fun at parties," Pam groaned sarcastically. "She doesn't even write lemons!"

"I know! Right?" Amelia turned back to the screen. "Oh, it gets better. She's worked with poor communities with sky-rocketing rates in teen pregnancy and STDs—"

"Oh," Pam shook her head. "Why does this matter?"

"Um," Amelia read quickly. "Political pressure forced the Planned Parenthood to close…blah… women are holding down two jobs…blah… travel 40 minutes to get birth control…blah. I'm not sure what her point is. It may just be accidental pregnancy does not equal a HEA."

"If I required oxygen to stay conscious, I believe I would have passed out by now due to her angstiness," Pam, wide-eyed, shook her head in disbelief. "What does the bitter little loser say about the contests? Is she insisting they are fixed?"

"No, she says she doesn't think they're fixed, but she thinks anonymous judging is harder than anyone acknowledges."

Pam's nostrils flared as her eyes widened.

"What? Why is it so difficult? Is it as difficult as getting through that horrible 'Ishtar' of hers?"

Amelia shuddered.

"Let's hope not. That was awful."

"Well? What does she say?"

"Blah blah blah," Amelia, looking down, continued to read silently. After a few moments, she paused to glance up at Pam. "Really I don't know how anyone gets through that 'South Park' rip-off of hers. Anyway, she says, '_People on here are friends. They read each others' work. Beta for each other. They know where their friends live. Know what they do for a living. Music they like. All clues that can get in the way of anonymity_.'"

Pam, incredulous, shook her head silently.

Amelia nodded silently in agreement.

"It is like," Pam's eyes wandered searchingly, "she has no other hobbies and devotes all her time to thinking up new ways to be annoying."

"Yup," Amelia nodded again. "Don't I know it."

"What else does she say about contests?"

"She says: '_I think we —the fandom— ought to discuss the concerns people have about the contest judging—maybe have a thread so all the issues are vetted publicly and with transparency. We can work towards a solution on how to address them for future contests_.'"

Pam proceeded to bang her head against the wall.

"She _just_ loves to cause trouble."

"I know, I know," Amelia agreed.

"She says that she felt that the judges' comments were inconsistent and that made her '_question what parameters were established ahead of time to assure the judges were all on the same page'_."

"What does she claim was inconsistent? They all agreed she did not win. As far as I can see, they _were_ consistent."

Amelia, laughing, looked over at Pam. "Yeah, right?" She turned back to the laptop. "She says what bothered one judge, another judge may have thought was funny. Some judges looked for the stories to closely reflect the contest themes, while others focused more on story canon."

"So what is the big drama?" Pam asked. "You write a story that is canon and also follows the theme."

"Nope, she had a problem with that."

Pam rolled her eyes. "Of course, she did, the angst whore."

"She says sometimes the contestants may be working under a looser interpretation of the theme_—_especially if the rules only call for the story to be inspired by the theme_—_ while the judges may be looking for strict interpretation. Same thing with story canon. And then, if the theme calls for one thing and canon calls for something else, how would the writer know what the judges want to see more?"

"Blah blah blah," Pam shook her head.

_"She says, '__In retrospect, with the theme I selected, because it differed from story canon, it seemed there was an inevitable tension that no matter what I did someone would have a problem with it_.'"

"All one would have to do to have a problem with her story would be to read it."

Amelia feigned a shocked look and then burst out laughing.

"Anyway, she says more about the contests."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"She says, '_I felt some of the judges' comments lacked context and didn't offer any constructive feedback. Blanket assessments—such as 'thoroughly research your topic or write what you know' offered little direction on what areas were deemed lacking and came across as condescending_.'"

"What does she say about reviews?"

"Oh, geez!" Amelia rolled her eyes. "What doesn't she say!"

"I know. She is quite the windbag. What about that comment she made? Does she explain it? She said something like we have '…_feelings of inadequacy in some aspect of our real lives. Thus we seek the immediate and constant stream of positive feedback demonstrated by reviews_.' I believe it was something like that."

"Okay, she says, '_I was referring to myself in that statement. If it made anyone else feel uncomfortable, sorry_.'"

"What? Liar! I _know_ she said that to insult us!"

"Well, Pam, she is kind of a review whore, too."

"Hm," Pam, considering, nodded abruptly. "Yes, she is. She begged, badgered, bribed, and blackmailed the readers who suffered through that potty-humor abomination she compared to Disney."

Amelia's head shot around in surprise.

"How do you know that, Pam? You didn't read it, did you?"

"No," Pam shook her head. "Of course not! Someone relayed this information to me. What does she say about her accusation that people write reviews without reading chapters?"

"Um, she says that was a joke. She doesn't really think anyone does that."

"What else does the little whiner say about reviews?"

Amelia sighed.

"She thinks we give too much importance to the review counts."

Pam's mouth opened wide as her face took on a horrified look.

"That annoying wenchbag! She only says this because she has no reviews herself!"

"Actually, Pam, since she deleted all but two of the chapters of her Disney fic, she averages 550 reviews per chapter now."

Pam looked appalled at this news.

"That is not right! How dare she do that! She must add more chapters _immediately_! "

At that moment, Sookie wandered into the living room.

"Hey, guys," she greeted her friends. "How's your writing? Get a lot done?"

"Um, actually, Sook, no. We didn't get anything written."

"We have been reading a blog," Pam offered. "One of the other writers posted comments about the fandom and it has everyone agitated."

"Oh?" Sookie glanced between her two friends. "What's the drama?"

"She is complaining that we give too much importance to reviews."

"How so?" In spite of herself, Sookie was curious. "Reviews are good. I always read reviews before I rent a video."

"Oh, no! It is not what the reviews say! We do not care what the reviews say! _That does not matter!_ It is simply the number of reviews!"

"Oh!" Sookie frowned. "I'm not sure I even understand that."

"We use the review counts as a metric. Like—"

"Like the New York Times Best Seller List!" Pam supplied.

"Yeah!" Amelia nodded. "Thanks Pam."

"The paper includes the bestseller list and reviews. You guys do both?"

Amelia and Pam exchanged a look.

"Never mind that, Sookie!" Amelia dismissed her friend's question. "I'll read her comments: _'We let review counts determine how known or unknown a story is, as well as how "good" it is. Having less than 20 reviews per chapter does not mean a story is unknown—if the author is popular. Just as a 20-review-per-chapter story is not necessarily better than a 5 review-per-chapter story_.'"

"So, do you understand, Sookie?" Pam looked at her friend. "This woman is criticizing our system. For no reason!"

"Yeah, Sook," Amelia rolled her eyes. "She is such a pain-in-the-ass!"

"Well, uh," Sookie walked over behind Amelia to read the blog. "I think what she's trying to point out is that your fandom has—deliberately or not—created it's own way of measuring the quality of stories—based on review count—and it's nothing more than an arbitrary thing you all made up."

Pam leveled a cold glare at Sookie who continued to lean over Amelia to read the computer screen.

"She says more about it, too. Amelia, see the next paragraph? She says: '_It makes me unhappy that any writers might feel discouraged from writing what they want to write because they're concerned they won't measure up in terms of reviews. It bothers me that talented writers are plagued by insecurity because of their perceived failure to hit some magical number of reviews._'"

Pam rolled her eyes, while Amelia sighed in frustration.

"You see, Sookie?" Pam asked. "You see what we are forced to contend with with this one?"

"Yeah, Sook," Amelia agreed. "She's a friggin' buzz-kill!"

"Well," Sookie straightened up. "I'm not sure about all this stuff but I'd definitely agree that girl sure is angsty! You two know where she lives? 'Cause if she's nearby, I'm thinking maybe we could set her up with Bill."

Behind Sookie's back, Pam and Amelia exchanged a wide-eyed look.

"Ah, Sook," Amelia finally replied, shaking her head. "Not sure that'd be a good idea. Two angst whores together, like that. And our neighbors to boot!"

"Oh, yeah," Sookie bit her lip. "I didn't think of it that way. You're right. We got enough crap in this town with Arlene and her boyfriends and Sam and his girlfriends. I certainly don't need a crazy couple next door."

* * *

**AN: Still satire. Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful comments. I didn't reply to comments as my original plan was to post a response to comments. Chapter 2 actually is my RTC. Thanks to my fellow writers for sharing their insights. Special thanks to moxiemo who encouraged the idea of a follow up fic to clarify some stuff. **

**"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - ****George Bernard Shaw**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris.**

**Satire/Parody.**

* * *

"Pam?" Opening the door of her boyfriend's office, Sookie Stackhouse peered inside. "Pam?" Where was Pam?

"Sookie, what's the matter?" Sookie's boyfriend, Viking vampire Eric Northman, was quick to note the puzzled look on his lover's face.

Turning to him, she voiced her confusion. "I thought you said Pam was in here?"

"She is," Eric nodded.

"Where, Eric? I don't see her."

Eric went around to the back of his desk and crouched down to peer underneath it. "Pam."

Sookie's eyes opened wide. "She's under the desk?" asked Sookie. "Why is Pam hiding under the desk?"

Eric's eyes cut up to Sookie before focusing on Pam. "Pam, why don't you explain to Sookie what foolish nonsense your witch has gotten you into?"

"Eric." Sookie heard Pam reply.

"Pam." Sookie thought Eric sounded like he meant business. Standing, he moved away from the desk.

With that directive from her maker, Pam climbed out from underneath the desk. As Pam stood, Sookie could see her friend held her laptop.

"What's going on?" Sookie asked looking back and forth between the two vampires.

"Sookie, I was writing my fanfiction stories."

"Under Eric's desk?"

"I have difficulty making my quotas. It is noisy in the bar and there is always something I must do."

Always something she's gotta do? "Uh, aren't you supposed to work at Fangtasia, Pam?"

"Yes, but I find it's interfering."

"With your writing?"

"Yes," Pam nodded.

"Oh." Sookie glanced at her friend. Maybe there was more to this? "How's it interfering, Pam?"

"Well, I am currently writing sixteen stories—"

"Sixteen? At the same time? Why?"

Pam shrugged. "It is necessary to keep up with the SAHMS."

"The SOMS? What are SOMS?"

Pam, dejected, shook her head. "You don't want to know." She returned her gaze to meet Sookie's. "Anyway, so I am writing sixteen stories—"

"Pam, hold on a second. I still don't understand how you can do that." Sookie shook her head. "How do you keep them straight in your head?"

Pam frowned. "It is not difficult. They are all variations on boy-meets-girl, boy-chases-girl, girl-runs-away. In one story, the female protagonist is a writer, in another she is an actress. There's one where she is wealthy. One where she is a real estate agent. Then she is trapped on an island. One she is a fairy. One where she is a lawyer—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Sookie held her hand up, waving at her friend to stop. "How are they different?"

"Sookie, are you not listening? I have one where she is blind. Another in which she is ranch owner. One where she is a prostitute. One where she has a club foot. One where I have made her a lipstick Lesbian—"

"Yeah, yeah. I hear you but how are they different?"

"Sookie, I am explaining how they are different."

Sookie frowned. "Not really. How's the story different?"

"I am telling you." Pam turned to her maker who had remained mostly silent. "Eric, did you bang her head against the headboard one too many times?"

"Pam." His tone conveyed a warning. "That is not your concern," he said. "Besides, I understand Sookie's point, even if you do not."

Pam rolled her eyes. "I sometimes wonder that I should be more worried about you."

Eric glared silently at his child. "Sookie means that, aside from the externalities of the story setup, the stories are all the same. You don't indicate any internal conflicts."

"Internal conflicts?" Pam's face was perplexed. "I made one of my male protagonists deaf. He is trying to court the blind female. Since they have such human impairments, there is the chance they may never get together."

Sookie, frowning again, pondered her friend's words. "You mean he's deaf so he only sees her. She's blind so she only hears him?"

"Yes," Pam nodded excitedly. "Exactly! What's more, since he's deaf he doesn't speak and since she's blind she is terrible at sign language!"

Sookie made a face. "Pam, that sounds like the most tortured, gimmicky story I've ever heard of in my life! You actually have people reading that?"

Pam scowled at Sookie. "Yes, Sookie. I'll have you know that story averages fifty reviews per chapter."

"Oh!" Eyes wide, Sookie turned to look at Eric, who just shrugged. "What are they saying about it?"

It was Pam's turn to be confused. "What do you mean? They write what they always do. 'More please.' They express anger and frustration over the female, while they lust over the male."

Sookie's eyes squinted in anger. "Wait a minute! These aren't those stories based on me and Eric, are they?"

Pam shook her head. "Just a little."

"ARGH! Pam! I thought I asked you to stop! I hate how you write me! All squawky, and childish like I don't have a brain in my head!"

Pam stared at her friend. "Your point?"

Sookie shot daggers at Pam. Rolling her eyes, finally she shrugged. "I still don't understand how you can write so many stories at once?"

Pam considered the question before replying. "You know," she answered, "it actually does not require much thought. I forced Bill to create a Lemon Scene Generator. This computer program practically writes our lemons. Then I had him program a Violent Interloper Generator. It is driven by an algorithm and it determines who the villain will be, what method of mischief they will use, and in which chapters they will appear. It makes things much easier."

"Oh! Well, I guess it's nice you're including Bill in your hobby." She shivered. Anything that keeps him away from my bedroom window can't be all bad. "Okay, so it's boy-meets-girl. Then you use the Lemon Scene Generator and the Violent Interloper Generator? So you never have any internal conflict in your stories?"

Pam shook her head furiously. "No, I cannot afford to spend the time on it. It is this internal conflict that causes all writers angst. Besides," she threw a look at disgust at Eric and Sookie, "why must I write what I am forced to live with on a daily basis?"

Eric and Sookie exchanged a look. Sookie's face was pensive, while Eric's was unreadable.

"As long as I limit the stories to superficial externalities and do not trouble myself with this internal conflict, I am able to produce quickly." She made a face. "Although still not as quickly as the SAHMs."

Pulling her eyes from Eric, Sookie turned back to Pam. "What about your friends?"

"The others of my group?" Sookie nodded. "They write as I do. All the time, as quickly as we can churn them out. The SAHMs have an advantage."

"Geez Louise, Pam! What the heck are SOMs?"

Pam frowned unhappily. "They are the ones who do not have jobs to tend to. They are able to devote all their time to writing," replied Pam, pouting.

"Oh! You mean SAHMs? Stay-at-home-moms?"

"Is that what that means? They have delicious baby showers, too?" Pam rolled her eyes. "Harrumph. They are able to write fifty stories," she complained bitterly, "in the time it takes me to write my sixteen because somebody," Pam glared at Eric, "doesn't understand creativity takes time and must be nurtured."

"Pam," Eric responded, his voice slightly tense, "you are a part-owner. I work at the bar, too. Perhaps you should take a leave of absence to see if you would like to write publishable books?"

"No! I do not want to write publishable books! I just want to be able to churn out as many stories as the SAHMs!"

"Okay," Sookie nodded. "Eric, maybe Pam should just take a little time off so she can write?"

Eric let out a breath in exasperation. "Pam, is this what you want?"

"Well, my group is convening in New York on an outing. I could go meet with them If I have time off."

"Pam, you all are gonna write together?" asked Sookie.

"Write?" Pam shook her head. "No, the plan is to shop."

"Oh." Sookie shot a questioning glance at Eric who just shrugged.

"Pam, if you wish to take time off, you are free to." Eric looked at her. "But do not take time off to shop and then tell me you need additional time to write."

Pam glared at Eric.

Suddenly they heard the sound of water dripping.

"What's that?" asked Sookie.

It's my laptop. It means I have received an email."

Suddenly they heard the sound again and then again.

"What's with all the emails, Pam?" asked Eric.

"It is my fandom. I am the cohost of a writing contest."

"Well, that's exciting," Sookie said. "When's the contest?"

"No, not is. Was. The contest ended three weeks ago."

They heard the sound again.

"So why are you receiving so many emails now?"

"Those are the contestants. They are emailing to ask who the winner is."

Sookie made a confused face. "Why haven't you announced the winner if the contest ended three weeks ago?"

"We are telling them we are still tallying the votes."

"After three weeks? Contested political elections in monkey regimes take less time to decide! What's the hold up?"

"Amelia and I took over from the original host, who had the organizational skills of a hamster and the charm of King Kong—"

Sookie frowned at Pam's comment. "What did she do?"

"She was too lenient with the judges. As a result, they did not read any of the stories. Amelia and I will not make that mistake."

"What're you gonna do differently?"

"Threaten them with bloodshed and witchcraft, of course."

"Oh." Sookie shook her head. That Pam.

* * *

**AN: Satire/Parody. Seriously. You don't think I actually believe someone has programmed a Lemon Scene Generator? Of course not! ****As always, thank you for reading.**

* * *

**PAM CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT**

**New (Awesome!) Contest**: The Snarky Sidekick Contest (~aka~ That Pam). I've often said Pam is like cowbell. You can never have enough. So we're looking for more Pam!

**Goal**: We want the snarkiest, sassiest, mouthiest and most opinionated Pam you can channel; sarcasm and Dear Abby insights welcome. Leave emo Pam and 'sensitive best friend Pam" at the door. We're talking Pam, here, folks. Fierce and funny. Let's face it. Pam kills.

**Guidelines: **Stories can be any pairing or no pairing at all, any universe, vamp or human, but all stories must be told in Pam POV or have Pam as the main character. Tap into your inner snark and let Pam speak.

**Dates**: May 6 - July 15.

**More Info**: Check under Favorite Authors on my Profile.


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